Never drink a heavily cafinated and sugar loaded bevrage to releave a headache without proper food consumption first. Not only will it make your headache worse, but it will trash your stomach and send you into a almost flu like state tell food and rest are achieved. Always eat breakfast, even some toast is better than nothing, and will leave you free to consume what you need to trudge threw your day.

When you get dressed up and you only gotta go out for like one thing and your stuck feeling good in your outfit so you keep it on even once you get home. Just a few more moments? I feel so beautiful in my own way…I need that right now.

Big dogs freak me out. Even sweet Maddie, my girlfriends great Dane, makes me nervous. I’m small and big animals have always given me a sort of parainoa. Its the thought of how easily they can take me down that gets me. I like to think I’m a fighter against any man, but beasts are a different story. There is no fight in my eyes against them.

Despite my lack of sleep, I dream.  Patterns and varied places. He has been in several of them latley…at first in simple metaphore…red cars and masks…his smell blowing in the wind as if I’m right behind him all over again. But then, he was there…all of him, simple and smiling and invading my life. The key to my head was around his neck, cocky swing with his gait. I stood, frozen, all I could do is watch as he commented and poked my memories of late. I could not lie in this place, but his time was closing, as the alarms sounded in response to my tears falling in presence of his lost grace. Voided tears. Monsters in black and goldenrod swarmed. Chilling me, troubling him. Lock down inesated. He started his escape, effortless in craft and swiftness. I can not touch him still, incorporal, a invisible germ in my dna. His smile is blinding, his hand in mine, warm and broekn. The monsters seize and he revokes, escaping barley, key in hand.

Five months

She said goodbye to you five months ago. You still haven’t said it. You are lucky enough to still be living in her house with her parents. She has moved on. Where arr you? Still living like an ungrateful 20 year old kid in her house, so very unappreciative for all they give you. Asking nothing in return. You walk around that house like you are so privileges. Making remarks to her like she is just waiting to hop in your bed. Treating our relationship like its nothing but a false. That I can’t make her happy like you could because you are the almighty male and she will just come crawling back How fucking dare you. You treat her like a piece of meat, probably always have. Holding a couple doors open for her and being excited to be a dad doesn’t make you a good person. When she left you there was no tears or roses at her doorstep, just a false arrogance that shes not really done. Thats pretty high and mighty for someone with so little self esteem they cant look in the mirror without vomiting. You never cared about her. You only ever cared about yourself and your needs wail she was drifting away. She was unhappy, you didn’t notice. You didn’t care.
You stupid little fuck, you cant even move out because you have no ambition for life. You have no natural need to get out. What the hell? Can you even call yourself human? You hate it when I am there, next to her, sleeping beside her. I hope you hear us, her calling my name, me calling hers. I make her happy like you never could. And instead of being happy for her happiness and moving on you sit on her fucking parents couch all day like you own the place. They don’t ask you for rent and you don’t dare so anything for them. Just keep asking for money and harassing their daughter. You stupid fuck, if I could i would march down there and beat you so bad you wouldn’t even remember you name. How dare you treat her like shes a sex toy, that our relationship is meanness and that she cant be happy because ’ I can giver he what she needs.’ Oh boy if you only knew what I can do for her. But hell, your probably too immature to even understand what love and passion are. Your still ten watching anime with your junk in your hand. I hope it stays that way forever because you do not deserve anything. You are a little bitch and you better watch out because after we move out, cause lets face it we will beat you too it, you are fair fucking game and I hope your ready for the hell I will bring down on you you worthless fuck.
She cant say any of what she wants to say to you. Shes not like me, its just not in her nature. Thats fine, she has a good heart. But dont think for one minute she gives one damn about you anymore, that she cares where you are at and who you are with. I know. She tells me. She tells me everything about you, and what you did, she always does because we have a real relationship. One more time. And I will burn your little life to the ground. Shell understand. The world will when I hand your worthless corpse for them to see.

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Complex Colourful Ecstasy.

Complex hyperactive emotions running through a single organism so rapidly the brain can only understand around 40% of its own creation. Emotion can only be 40% understood. Only 20% of emotion is not chemical in nature. Biological and Psychological forces dance to a seductive tun in ones own mind. Our brains are constantly moving in their own turn. Colours can easily describe emotion because the brain is constantly placing emotion recognition markers. They help the brain coordinate its body. Helps find out place in this world on the stances we take on everything. And the colours of this world are so vast, simply infinite, same as emotion, its only logical the brain uses colours as easy to make emotion markers. Artists are subconscious . Brains who interpret colour a different way use not only emotion markers but sensory markers. taste is strongly bound to colour. PEople who have Sinasisea, their brains Recognize sound strongly with colours. Each individual sound has its own colour marker. Music is where this is most present. Instruments are each unique as a colour in the spectrum. 

Greed painted in black slick oil. Depression covered in midnight blue and thick cutting ribbions. Lust a deep crimson in raging blood and hormones. Happiness and reds and oranges, light blues and greens covering vast amounts of the brain. Rabid dogs bite down and leave thick green poison in envy and disgust Hatred and rage in yellows and oranges and brilliant blues and pale greens for calm rainy days. 

Love is lavender soaked in golden wheat freckles. A blue sky with a maroon painted sunset. A crimson red rose lain vibrant on the virgin snow. 
When i look at her I see golden sunsets and raven black birds in winter. Snow capped burban mountains with a blueberry sky. She holds my hand and I’m warm in the summer sun and basked in the brilliant white love of her presence. Covering me, surrounding me like a cool fall wind, orange pumpkins and calming quite comforting joy. her passion for life, for me, is bright like ruby red lips. Crimson lust like green luscious poison. The thought of her life in my hands forever will complete me like a puzzle. And even though there will be the dark corners and the unknown and uncertainties and the anger in bright flashing yellow. We will not give up. We will stand by each other like we always have. Strong like grey stone, but passionate like purple skies.   


Changing moods and weather patterns. Torn skies and hot fuel in the air. These last few nights have all had the same taste. Stress thick like cold snow strangling organs. The heart beating constantly hard like a base drum to strangled limbs. I’m too weak to move. Fragile like a child in the womb, waiting for the guiding light to lead me to a place of warmth.
Beautiful light. Daily treatment was more then I had ever known. Now that light seems to have dimmed. I know, uselessly that this is all my doing. I have ruined something beautiful in my ignorance. My useless limbs following impulse without actual thought. Without actual care. When did I become such a willow in the wind, damaging myself and others in my whipping wake? When did I lose that sterner part of myself? Words were binding. They mattered. Change so radically from a soldier to pedestrian. I lost all sense in self and dignity. All bonds and promises were written in blood. Fuck. Anyhow, its been rather involved but what’s done is done and I cannot take anything back. Just promise for a better future. I can find that part if me again. Nothing is really gone. Not to me. He told me a lot of things and one of them was that nothing is deleted permanently. Nothing in this world. So I must find it and prove my worth again. Fuck. I’ll do it. I will not lose my light. The lighting tech needs her light and she will never lose it. Ever.
Recently my mind has been putting these recent developments into wild pictures and movies. It brought back some of the worse night terrors I have ever faced. The red car is back and so is the mask, I was caught scared breathless open seeing them again. No. I was a child again, weak without the confidence that had so far kept these dreams at bay. The red car would roar its engine and I would flinch down to my bones. My breath was hot and seen infront of me. Dead of night. The intersection of Broadway and 55th. The Red Car watches from the turn lane. Facing north. I’m not ready when it changes, the dance I used to dance night after night was suddenly new again and the car easily hits me. I’m tossed to the side like a rag doll. Pain is pouring through me like lava. No broken bones yet, but the adrenline that comes with the basic will to live kicks in. I run. It chases me over to the body shop but cannot get on the roof. I think I’m safe tell a rotten floor board breaks and I fall into a dimly lit concrete room. I’m shocked to see what I see next…I can’t hold back a scream when I see her. My love. My light. So much silence after my scream. You can hear my hot blood hit the dirty floor. She’s tied to a chair, limp, facing away from me. She looks hurt. Move toward her, but before can reach…FUCK the Red Car crashes through the wall. Totaled. The car is done, so he will emerge soon! No. I grab her, turn her, and I freeze. What have I done?! The mask is on her! Her eyes dull behind it. She’s dread and breathing. Its all my fault. I fall to my knees. His punishment ends me quickly. I can only see her…what I have done to her. I brought her pain, I failed her. I let my demon hurt….
I . Back in the real world. Am so paraniod I’m falling apart.

The mind is a scrambled place filled with random images and sounds and smiles and feeling. Most of it, most all of it we do not remember. It is all lost or so clouded by the sheer mist of mystery we can never figure it.

My vision is very narrow, like looking down the barrel of a gun. Far too bright and curved at the sides. I go to squint but realise I am not in control and cannot even move. I am low to the ground I realise as pavement comes into view. At first a flash of sidewalk, then the dark, hot asphalt. Its scorching, just like the sun at my back. I’m blinking the dirt out of my eyes and I realise just where I am and whats going on. I am terrified. A sound echoes through my ears, a distant call from a voice so well known. My legs twitch, being called into action. I’m a little soldier. He calls and I answer. I go to stand and there is pain shooting through one leg. Scrapped and twisted I stand, turn, and the memory begins. I’m watching this very old yet unforgotten piece of past. A new dark green Mongoose is heading my way, our enemy of the week behind its handle bars of silver. The sun is setting to the west behind me, I can see clearly. He rides fast and close, his bat swinging again at me, he misses this time and I toss a fairly thick stick right in between his spokes.

His bike faults and hes thrown off. My partner is off his bike in a second, heat and pain are long forgotten in the adrenaline rush of victory. We got him on the ground,. there is no way… partner loses grip and a hand is swung at my face. I’m disoriented and fall back, pain in my head is over whelming. He kicked me before leaving me and my partner in the dust….I black out….I wake up in my bed. The memory ends, and I fall between the sheets.

Her voice is calling me to bed, but I’m lost in a sea of sheets and blankets. Suffocating.

"Its so hot out!!" I’m not at home. I’m downtown, walking amongst the other Wichitans like myself. She is here too, my girl. My darling, stunning in the sun. Its so vivid I can smell the car exhaust and feel the hot sun on my skin. Tight shirt and her fingers individually, fitting perfectly between mine. They were made to fit. Sunglasses and converse, we walk in comfortable silence. There are many people out today, we practically have to push them out of our way. After a awhile of being around some pretty sketchy people we decide its time to head back to the car. I hold her close, shes behind me since thats the only way we can fit threw all these people. Hot breath and cigarette smoke. 

There is moment suddenly, a man with dark ragged hair and caramel coloured skin is facing a wall, twitching violently, a shiny object in his left hand. Strange. Suddenly, he turns, wild eyes look right into mine as cold hard steel is pressed against my throat. There is an ear spitting fire that  I’m blinded and deafened by. The bullet ripped straight through and shot out the back. It grazed her cheek, witch leeks crimson ribbons down that beautiful face. Sunglasses abandoned, her scream is unforgettable. I am on my knees, I dare not move or look at the mess I can feel I’m making. Hot life spilling out of me, I am not long for this world. She is shaking, fear in those bright blues is much scarier then the life slipping out of me rapidly. I cant even hug back when she grabs me, I do smile though, her tears soak the….

"Its so hot out!!" I’m not at home. I’m downtown, walking amongst the other Wichitans like myself. She is here too, my girl. My darling, stunning in the sun. Its so vivid I can smell the car exhaust and feel the hot sun on my skin. Tight shirt and her fingers individually, fitting perfectly between mine. They were made to fit. Sunglasses and converse, we walk in comfortable silence. There are many people out today, we practically have to push them out of our way. After a awhile of being around some pretty sketchy people we decide its time to head back to the car. She holds me close, I’m behind her since thats the only way we can fit threw all these people. Hot breath and cigarette smoke.

Thats…not…right. Its too late by the time I realise what is happening. I am suppose to be dead, but instead something far worse is happening. Shes gripping my hand so tight, I know she knows too. The man is there, and he is shaking just like last time. i can even breathe out her name before the man movies, and fires a single shot into her neck. The sound again is so loud is nearly breaks me. The slicing of my cheek is pure hell fire. My eyes are on her. My girl. The reason I am here. My life, falling to her knees in my place, life spilling from her.
I am on the ground with her, holding back what I know cannot be stopped. She looks happy before those stormy blues go dim. My tears soak the pavement with screams unknown by most men.







that’s some sneaky ass bullshit.

I laughed even more because I read that last line in Scuttle’s voice because of the gif.

143,102 notes

New hair and glasses

New hair and glasses

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"I am disappointed in everybody", Or: No, My Expectations were Never that High


To start: I never thought John/Sherlock would become canon. No, really. I don’t think many people do. Lots of people want it to, but I think it’s generally accepted as a relative impossibility, no matter how much we want it.

What I am here to talk about it why that impossibility is so harmful, what that says about media today, and, of course, why I am disappointed in fucking everybody.

Also: this post contains minor spoilers and frank discussion of the appearance of a certain character, so if you don’t know what I’m talking about, turn back now before you regret it.

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Maybe I am thinking about this too much. Its what I do, I look, using past experiences and what I know and what I have seen and compare and contrast and usually get the worst answer possible, no matter how improbable, and get scared by it.
I am a control freak, everything is so frtagile in my life, I feel that if I let go, even for once second, I’ll lose myslef and everything I have worked for. I control the people around me and my life with a blunt fist, and, when we are together like we are, I have…nothing to grab onto!

Its so freeing, and its terrifying, and I get such a sweet rush. One thats hurts my teeth! I’m an adrenaline addict whose paranoid as hell! I dont make any sense!
I am thinking too much, its a defense mechanism, I just feel everything is more than I know or about to become soothing I cant control…cant have that…

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A thought

I’m not sure. Thats a statement I have commonly used throughout this experiment. Sadly enough, usually I know my way about, but here, Im in the cold dark.
I dont know what you see on my face, because, I dont feel it. I covered my face eairler today, hid it away, cause I wasn’t sure what it was doing, Embarrassed because I don’t know what the fuck Im even expressing. I can feel my body attract, want to close the distance and have not even air between us. And I can feel my mind rebel though, hard, pull me away. Constant war inside and out. I may have sanded down my feelings, but the physical reactions is something so untouchable I could never grasp them. If anything, I promote them. They are so real and viral compared to the gray of my life, I wanted that spark.
And I do get sparks, from your hands,  and they are so bright, I feel cold when they leave.

If I do know anything, is that, this is all the farther I can go. No matter what may be there, what my body may be giving you, it dosn’t get the final say. And any more, I-I just could not handle. I am already feeling a bit sufocated, and any more and I just might choke. It’s me not you, and to be honest…not sure how much longer I can keep going. This is all I can give, not all, that would destroy me.
I love this, this hurt so damn good. I hate this, this suffocating chill in my throat.  

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